By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Randomize
