dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
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