Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Randomize
