Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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