the condom got lost in my hair
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
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