Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
We should takd a huggy cab to snuggle bunnyville
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
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