I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
Randomize
