Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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