I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
