the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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