so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
