I have demons in me.
Strip flip cup NEVER equals good idea
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
