No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Randomize
