how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
