Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
So many bounce houses so little time
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Randomize
