I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
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