Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize