He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
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