My girlfriend figured out who you are.
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Randomize
