At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
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