someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
