Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Randomize
