I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
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That text made me feel like i signed up for some awesome celeb nude pic reminder
Also, on a completely related note, just came up with an awesome business plan. You in?
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
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