Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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