Three words: puerto rican gang bang
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
