I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
I have post one night stand depression
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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