I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
Randomize
