he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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