Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Randomize
