Everything about him screamed your future.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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