The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
