It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
She needs sedatives and a leash
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
Randomize
