Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
I deserve this hangover.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
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