And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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