I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
