My Higher Power is John Stamos
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
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