I only want to know people that are dynamic intelligent and totally insane
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
