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You kept calling me your small dog last night.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
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