Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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