Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize
