worst night to have a conscience
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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