It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
