This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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