I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
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