I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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