I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
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