I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
In other news, I just burned my penis
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
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