i dedicated my morning wood to you.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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