just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize