I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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