im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
its liver damage thursday
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
