Jerry, you need to find god
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize