Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
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