just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Randomize
