Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
Randomize
