Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
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