What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
